Always remember, you’re not alone in this crisis, and that
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit”
(Psalm 43:18)
This article is close to my heart. It’s a deeply personal story about how my experiences shaped my belief that I wouldn’t live to see retirement age. This belief significantly impacted my decisions and lifestyle from the age of 22 onwards.
Early Influences
Because I didn’t believe I would live to retirement age, I didn’t see the necessity of saving money for it. Opportunities that required long-term planning were bypassed in favor of living in the moment. “Live in the moment” became my mantra, and I embraced each day as though it might be my last. The reason for this mindset was straightforward. I had witnessed too much death at an impressionable age.
But let me back up and start my story where I feel like my life truly began. At 17 years old, I packed my bags and traveled as far away from home as my overprotective mother would allow me to go. I landed at a small and wonderful private college on the perimeter of Atlanta, Georgia.
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A New Spiritual Journey
When I first arrived in Atlanta, I was introduced to a church from the get-go. I grew up as a practicing Catholic, having completed all the sacraments, which involved a lot of effort and learning about Catholic doctrine. I never did click with Catholicism. I had more questions than the teachings ever could answer for me.
However, in Atlanta, I was introduced to Trinity Baptist Church, a Spirit-filled church, which for those uninitiated, means it was a Pentecostal Baptist church (an unusual type actually!).
I had never heard the actual Bible taught before, even after years in Catholic classes. I had never been encouraged to read the Bible, never mind hearing it preached from the pulpit by a pastor who appeared to have nothing that made them happier than to share the good news of the Bible and the things Jesus taught during his time walking the earth.
I absolutely loved this church, and it didn’t take long before I began attending Bible studies where they talked about “salvation.” They read and spoke about scriptures from the Holy Bible, like John 3:16: “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” This and many other scriptures encouraged me to follow Jesus. During one of my first Bible studies, I accepted Jesus into my heart and life. I became what they called “born again” and was filled with the Holy Spirit. I later was baptized in water as well, to demonstrate my rebirth.
All of this changed me profoundly.
During college, I became a leader in the campus Christian fellowship and found a profound sense of joy in my life. I went from being a fairly depressed and moody teenager to being a very positive, hopeful, and happy individual who felt on top of the world. I believe I was friends with nearly every professor and student on campus, something very much opposite of how I experienced school back in New York.
As part of my English major course, I was required to intern somewhere and do something related to my major. I was ecstatic when I landed an internship role at the top Christian radio station in Atlanta. I wrote promotions, helped record advertisements, scheduled music, learned to operate the soundboard, and eventually became an early morning DJ for the station.
As I was nearing graduation, I was offered a permanent role with the station. I was beside myself with joy. I envisioned my future big-girl apartment near the station and my new life hanging out with all of my Atlanta friends post-graduation.
The Decision.
However, being from New York, my entire family was up north. This gave me serious conflicting feelings about remaining in Atlanta. However, I truly loved Atlanta and the friends I made during college, so I was willing to break free from my family. I had “found myself” since leaving the fold of the family, and eventually convinced myself that it would be a good time to break free from my close family ties.
Life Gets in the Way
Just before graduating college, I learned that my grandmother, who lived with my parents, was seriously ill. I was asked to come home to help with her care. My love for my grandmother was immense, and so after the agony of imagining never seeing my grandmother again, I agreed to return home to New York permanently.
There was no Christian radio station in the suburb of New York City where I lived. There was certainly no job waiting for me. In my haste to begin working so I could purchase my first car, I took the first job I was offered, as a customer service agent at a computer software company.
It was a job I disliked passionately, a far cry from my dreams in Atlanta. However, jobs were scarce in the suburbs where I lived, so I felt as if I had no choice but to stick with it, especially since I wanted to save up and eventually purchase a house. I had always wanted to have a little house, garden, and a cute little dog. My dreams were living inside of me always.
As for my grandmother, I am happy to say that my mother and I pitched in and cared for her at home and she recovered from her illness. It was certainly a very tough year for us, but I hoped things would turn around soon.
It was not to be. With newfound time on my hands in the evenings, I found myself still living at home, dating my old high school boyfriend, and working a job I despised. I was in a rut now, ruing leaving Atlanta.
Tragedy Strikes
I’d like to begin here by saying that my father was the light of my life from the time of my first memories. Believe it or not, my first memories go all the way back to the time when I was a mere toddler in my crib (weird, I know!). I can remember having scary dreams and him comforting me. I remember him placing me on his feet and dancing me around the kitchen. I remember him always pulling me up to sit over his shoulders so I could watch parades. His hands were always ready to hold mine. He called me his princess, his Miss America, and when my mother made me do chores he called me his Cinderella. It was not unusual for him to sing the Miss America theme song whenever I dressed in something pretty. What little girl wouldn’t love and idolize a man like that! He was vivacious, charismatic, funny, smart, hardworking, handsome, and so very loving.
Well, about a year after my return from college, my father started having issues with a growth on his neck. Despite a union doctor initially telling him it was nothing to worry about, the lump grew alarmingly large, to the point where he could not ignore it any longer. He finally took a day off from work to go to a doctor. I was sure it would be fine. I had prayed he’d be given good news and I had no reason to think I had anything to fear.
However, on that day, which lives in infamy in my mind, I received a phone call from my mother informing me that my father had cancer.
Have you ever received bad news and your brain and vision just go into a haywire slow motion sickening revolting spinning orbit? Obviously, the news devastated me. I will never know if they tried to shield me from whatever the doctor actually said to them, but I was told that he should be okay. Of course, I believed this. I prayed more at that time of my life than I’d ever prayed before or since.
I should note here that my dad was a very hard worker. He was a member of the Sheet Metal Workers Union and would travel well over an hour to and from work in NYC every day and in every kind of weather. His work was often outdoors in buildings being erected. He’d come home a sweaty puddle in the summers and a frozen popsicle seeking a hot bath in the winters.
He was two years away from his retirement when the diagnosis came.
I’ve never heard anyone before or since look forward to retirement as much as my parents. They had huge plans. They were going to sell their home and purchase a bus motorhome with a “basement” (something very unique back in those days!) and travel the country. They had always been road warriors every summer and through the years they had every type of camper that caught their fancy. I was blessed to have traveled a great deal as a kid, and even now I continue to have the travel bug they instilled in me – see our travel section.
I will never know if my father’s desire to retire was partly responsible or not, but I think it may have hindered his progress from the cancer treatments. You see, he insisted on continuing his work routine. He was in a race to keep his retirement date in place. The union was fantastic to him. They gave him the cushier job locations so he wouldn’t be exposed to the elements. They really did keep him as comfortable as possible. Later, when his body started giving out and he could barely get through the day, they made him foreman so he could rest most of the day. Kudos to them. I am forever grateful for their kindness. Of course, they all loved him. It wasn’t just me that thought he was special!
My father received many chemicals, chemo, whatever you want to call it, to try to cure him, but nothing seemed to work.
My faith in God and in His willingness to heal my father began to waver and then crumble. Watching him endure incredible suffering, I felt something vital slip away. It may have been my faith, but I suspect it was my innocence that truly shattered. Despite my unwavering will and desire, I couldn’t entertain the thought of him dying, though I feared it every day. The fact that he didn’t deserve to suffer was unbearable. A man so good should not have to suffer.
I was searching for reasons God hadn’t been answering my prayers and those of family and friends. I read through some books I found in the library and ended up with more questions than I could find answers for. We didn’t have the luxury of asking the internet or AI back then. I just searched the question now and here’s what came back. I think these bible references would have comforted me back then.
Reasons God Might Allow Suffering
Testing and Strengthening Faith:
Biblical Reference: James 1:2-4: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
Explanation: Suffering can be a means through which God tests and strengthens the faith of believers. Through trials, individuals can grow in perseverance, maturity, and spiritual completeness.
Character Development and Refinement:
Biblical Reference: Romans 5:3-5: “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
Explanation: Suffering contributes to the development of a person’s character, building perseverance and hope. This process helps believers grow in their faith and reliance on God.
Discipline and Correction:
Biblical Reference: Hebrews 12:6-11: “Because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son…No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
Explanation: Just as a loving parent disciplines their child, God uses suffering as a form of discipline to correct and guide His followers. This discipline is meant to produce righteousness and peace in the lives of believers.
To Demonstrate God’s Power and Glory:
Biblical Reference: John 9:1-3: “As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, ‘Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?’ ‘Neither this man nor his parents sinned,’ said Jesus, ‘but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.'”
Explanation: Sometimes suffering occurs so that God’s power and glory can be revealed through healing, miracles, or other divine interventions.
To Bring People to Repentance:
Biblical Reference: 2 Corinthians 7:10: “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.”
Explanation: Suffering can lead individuals to recognize their need for God, bringing them to repentance and ultimately to salvation.
What I recognize now is that praying for God’s will to be done, as Jesus demonstrated in the prayer He gave us, is the best prayer. Asking for God’s will to be done is comforting because I trust God and have faith that He knows what is best for us, not just in the moment, but for our eternal souls.
Things Got Even Worse
I thought the first year of my father’s fight with cancer was the worst year I’d ever experience in my life. Learning the ropes of how cancer is treated, and then how the radiation and chemo kill off necessary functions of the body, followed by the uncertainty of whether any of this was even helping, was excruciating.
However, the second year was even worse. Unfortunately, in the midst of my father’s steadily declining strength and vitality, my grandmother’s health declined again, likely due to the stress of my father’s illness. My mother was very focused on helping my dad, so I became even more involved with my grandmother’s care. She became bedridden and was in incredible pain. I can still hear her screams in my mind.
Both of them—Dad and Grandma, the people I loved most—died within six months of each other, after prolonged and painful suffering.
Dad didn’t make his retirement. Not only that, but he died with only about two months left to reach the goal that would allow his account to be vested for full pension payouts. My poor mom only received a small sum of money. That certainly didn’t help her distress and would mean hardship for her for years to come.
Worse Than Worse
In the two or three years after the deaths of my father and grandmother, we also lost my mother’s brother and my Godmother, very suddenly and both too young – in their 50s. My uncle, a constant figure in my life and a lifeline for my mother, would be incredibly missed, as well as my beloved Godmother. I was so blessed by this larger than life and caring woman who inserted herself (my mother’s words) into our family when I was born and declared herself my Godmother. She was single all her life and truly treated me as her family.
These deaths only added to the trauma.
A few years later, my brother died suddenly of a massive heart attack at age 46. This was an incredible blow not just to me, but to my mother and remaining brother. The gut-wrenching pain of losing my beloved brother was unbelievable.
As with my father, I once again focused on the fact that this brother and I shared a lot of genetic similarities. This further convinced me that I would die young.
You see, if it had just been an isolated incident of my loved ones dying before they could reach retirement age, I might have gotten past it. But together with others close to me that I have not even mentioned, the number of losses I experienced in the span of about a decade was in the double digits.
A Loss of Faith and the Mistakes of a Distraught Young Woman
Thinking back to the weeks and months following the death of my dad and grandmother, I remember feeling as though I had no reasons to pray anymore. It seemed that everything I cared about was gone, and that prayer didn’t help anyway. I lost my faith during this period and began feeling abandoned and hopeless. The solace I once found in prayer was replaced with profound emptiness, and I couldn’t muster the inner strength to seek God’s presence or guidance.
The case against making decisions when mourning.
In the midst of my emotional turmoil, I made a decision that would impact my life for many years to come. Seeking comfort and a sense of stability, I agreed to marry my high school boyfriend, even though deep down I knew it wasn’t what God wanted for me. I still remember thinking to myself that I should call off the wedding. I believe it was the Holy Spirit trying to speak to me. It was this quiet voice that kept popping up in my consciousness. But, if you’ve ever been in a situation like this, where big plans are in place, large deposits of money are at risk and people you care about are affected by your decisions, you can perhaps understand why I went through with marriage.
Looking back, I recognize that my need for companionship and a semblance of normalcy overshadowed my diminished faith and better judgment. I regretted this decision to marry for many years, as it was a choice born out of desperation and need rather than divine guidance. The marriage, forged in my weakness and vulnerability, became a source of regret and reflection for decades, reminding me of the consequences of straying from the path God intended for my life.
I can never know the blessed life God may have had in store for me had I remained faithful. However, I have two loving daughters who are a blessing to me and to their families. I can not regret the marriage absolutely because I would never regret my girls.
Finding Purpose Through Motherhood
Within the first few years following my father’s passing, the birth of my two daughters brought me solace and a fresh outlook. I was so excited to be a mother, and my daughters brought me incredible joy. Of course, I secretly bawled many times over the fact that my father would not be there to be the best grandpa the whole world had ever seen. You’d think I would have raised my girls with stories of their wonderful grandpa. However, I could never talk about my father without breaking down into complete gasping, shuddering sobs, only to be followed by a migraine and a despondent attitude. I quickly learned not to discuss him with my children. I absolutely recognized the heartbreaking shame of this, but the pain was still so very raw. In some ways, even
worse now because I missed his presence and wanted so badly for him to be part of our family. I know now why I could not get past the pain. I was not seeking God. Without Him in my life, the healing simply didn’t happen.
The Specter of Early Death
I was 24 when my father passed away. He had become ill at 49 years of age and passed away shortly after his 51st birthday. His early death convinced me that I, too, would die young. This belief, though irrational, was rooted in our similarities. I was always told that I was “all Dad”. We had similar features and build, and I certainly identified with him closely.
Because of this feeling that I was a mini-me of my dad, I felt that I too would have a shortened life. I was 100% convinced of it. For a long time, I kept this conviction to myself. It shaped my entire approach to life. It was good in a way because it caused me to cherish every moment with my children. It also was a part of the reason I remained married to my high school boyfriend for over 20 years. I’m ashamed to say that I very often dreamed of not being married to him, but I strongly felt that keeping the family together was essential. I saw a lot of broken families around me and I did not want that life for my children.
Financial Wisdom Wake-Up Call
Living with a view that you won’t live to enjoy retirement years changes how a person thinks and plans. One way that it affected me was to prevent me from worrying about saving for retirement. For a long time, it wasn’t anything I thought about whatsoever, because with a young family it was hard enough to make ends meet without trying to put extra money aside.
However, in my late 30s, my boss, who was smart and successful, changed my outlook on saving for retirement. I let slip during a conversation that I wasn’t saving for retirement. He couldn’t believe I wasn’t taking advantage of our company’s financial benefits, such as the matching 401(k) and stock purchase plans. He was so uncharacteristically pushy and insistent about it that I did open up to him.
I told him I didn’t think I’d ever live to retirement, and he explained to me that even if I didn’t, the savings would be useful if my house wasn’t paid off or if my kids needed help. His thoughtful advice resonated deeply with me, especially recalling the financial struggles my mother faced after my father’s illness and death. My boss guided me, and I began to start contributing aggressively to the savings programs. By this time in my life, I was doing well in my career, and I was able to put the money aside without much else being sacrificed.
Borrowing Against the 401(k)
This decision enabled me to help my children, even though I was still alive and well. There came a time when my kids needed things. By taking out low-interest loans against my 401(k) savings, I was able to help them purchase a car, get continuing education, and purchase a home. To my surprise, I even lived to pay off those loans!
The decision to start saving for retirement in my late 30s actually allowed me to retire comfortably at 55, a milestone I reached in 2019. Although I had surpassed the death age of my brother and father, I still thought I should take advantage of the opportunity to retire early, “just in case.” Now, years later, I’m beginning to comfortably believe that I might not die so young after all!
Retiring at 55 back in 2019 remains a decision I’ve never regretted. However, as time has passed, I’m starting to realize that perhaps I won’t be departing this world early as I once thought. This realization has led me to a profound conclusion: if my life’s journey were to end soon, I would have no regrets. I’ve had the privilege of witnessing my children grow into adults and start their own families. Now, I’ve seen all the grandchildren I will ever have as they too have completed their families. My greatest desire now is to witness these grandchildren grow a little older so that I can continue to be a source of blessing and faith in their lives.
Speaking of faith, my journey has brought me full circle since my college days. I harbored deep resentment toward God for so many years, but I have since experienced a profound return to my faith. As one approaches the later stages in life, I believe it’s natural to lean more towards God. This, in my view, is a wise inclination. I may never fully comprehend God’s plan for the passing of my father and brother, and yet, I can honestly say that I no longer feel the need for such understanding. My trust in God is unwavering and absolute.
I often find myself deep in meditation, contemplating God—His nature, His love, and His grand plan as revealed throughout history in the Bible. As I reflect on our modern world and observe how contemporary followers of Christ interpret God’s plan and truths, I gradually gain deeper insights as I grow older. It’s becoming clearer to me that God’s plan extends far beyond the present moment; it has been meticulously crafted since before the dawn of creation itself.
Expressing the profundity of this realization in simple words is a challenge, but I’ve come to understand that through diligent study of the Bible, heartfelt meditation on God’s word, and opening oneself to His voice, true revelation emerges. This ongoing journey of discovering who God is and discerning my role within His plan continues to enrich my faith and deepen my understanding of His love and wisdom.
There isn’t a single scripture or a solitary sentence that can fully capture the profound depths of God’s creation and His plan for us. Just as no single book or lifetime of experiences can completely unveil the mysteries of life, our purpose, and the reasons behind the events that unfold around us.
God chooses to reveal Himself to us in His own way and time, and the more we seek Him and listen to His voice, the more He graciously unfolds His truths before us.
In essence, what I’ve come to understand is that no individual, be it a preacher, a genius, or a scholar, can definitively articulate the entirety of life’s meaning and our role within it, or explain why certain things happen to us or around us.
Ultimately, God calls us to trust Him wholeheartedly, to love Him with all our being, and to extend that love to one another. It’s through this unwavering faith and trust in Him and His divine plan that we find solace.
When I speak of my earthly father now, tears no longer flow from sorrow; instead, a deep sense of sadness remains for the suffering he endured. Yet, I place my trust in God’s wisdom and goodness. In fact, I often ponder if, one day, we will find that the pain we endure in this earthly life will fade from memory, much like a childhood scrape that taught us a valuable lesson. While the hurt was real in the moment, its memory eventually fades, leaving behind only the lessons learned—the wisdom gained from experience.
Takeaways
I wanted to share this not only to recount parts of my life that have been hidden, painful, and deeply personal—but to underscore two key messages.
First and foremost, it’s crucial to emphasize that we can place our complete trust in God, no matter what trials or challenges we face. From my journey, I’ve learned that it’s during our deepest crises, when it feels like God is distant, that we must steadfastly turn to Him in trust and faith. Scripture teaches us that His faithfulness endures even in our darkest moments. Without this trust, the darkness can enclose us, but with Him, there is always a path to light and hope.
Secondly, I want to encourage anyone who might feel discouraged about their financial future, particularly regarding retirement savings. It’s never too late to start planning and saving for your future. Personally, my retirement savings took place over less than 18 years, and while I don’t live extravagantly, I am comfortably able to pursue the things that matter most to me. I consider myself incredibly blessed, and I hope this serves as a reminder that with determination and wise financial choices, achieving financial security is attainable at any stage of life.
